Churros are good. They’re long, sweet embodiments of goodness fried up to perfection. Charles Barkley thinks so too. He likes them so much that he commonly takes them two at a time. We know what you’re thinking…he looks like he’s having a lot of fun. But in reality, he’s sad and disappointed as he’s used to going down on at least three at once. In fact, throughout the city of San Antonio, the Chuckster is also known as the Triple Churro Killer, or 3X3 for short. Chuck has been known to force restaurants to close down for weeks at a time by causing extreme churro shortages. One of our friends was down in San Antonio for some time and saw Sir Charles walking down the street, yet at the time did not recognize him. He could only ask himself, “Was that really him, or a bottomless pit?”
His love of churros is only topped by his love for the women of San Antonio. Give the Chuckster a plethora of churros, a few San Antonian women, a couple cans of Shaq soda, and he is in a proverbial heaven. This lethal combination of churros and Shaq soda, however, has been known to produce certain ominous byproducts. Overpowering any and every cologne known to man, the bottom heavy Charles has quite the difficult time meeting the women of San Antonio. Though they are often intrigued by his masterful churro consumption technique, the constant assault on their olfactory senses leaves them unable to continue beyond salutations.
Unfortunately, it has also been postulated that succumbing to these vices has led to Chuck’s decline in the game of golf. Once heralded as the next Fred Couples, Chuck’s quick decline is best embodied by his tear-inducing golf swing.
(Tears in seat of his pants, that is.)
The fabled hitch in his swing has been studied by countless golf experts, physicists, biomechanical engineers, and psychologists. Only one consensus could be reached by these experts to explain the hitch — Chuck can’t get through a swing without daydreaming about churros. Watch any video of Chuck playing golf, and right before he hits the ball, he pauses approximately three seconds every single time. The secret to Chuck’s swing is his visualization of the club as a giant churro; while his practice swings go hitch-free, the thought of hurting his precious churro gives him pause to reconsider whether to follow through. Hesitation quickly turns into his infamous killer instinct, and just like before he considers whether his health will benefit from these Spanish pastries of fried goodness, he goes through with it, like the round mound of beast that he is.
Whether in golf or conversation, we can always count on Sir Charles to tear it up. And of course, he will always tear through a plate of churros.
